uh wow.

Tomorrow marks 5 years that my grandma's been gone :/ March 5, 2005. <3
To make matters more interesting, my uncle dropped off her journals today when his family visited.
They date from September 23rd 1999-October 4, 2004.
I want to read them so badly, I want to be in her world because I feel like I missed something.
I flipped through them a little bit, starting at the 1st entry, my 8th birthday, through the weeks leading up to my grandpa's death, to the last entries.
It was telling to see how much she wrote when she first started, and how the last entries were single sentences at best.
It absolutely broke my heart to read the last entry, "October 4, 2004. No company this week, thats just my world."
I didn't read any further because I remembered her saying she didn't want anyone to read those.
She wanted them burned.
She said "When I go, they go."

Do I read them? Or do I put them away and ignore it altogether?
I want to look into her mind.
I want to know was she happy? Did she suffer?
I sometimes wonder if, though not physically, if mentally she died when my grandpa did in 2002.

I'm scared if I read them I'll regret them.
What if there's pieces in there that make me think I could've helped her?
What if I read them and see where I failed?

I don't know.

its amazing what time can do.

Well. Look where I'm at now. For the most part, I'm over it. But I heard Randy's voice on my voicemail yesterday, and it really shook me. Yuck. That's pretty much the only thing I can't stand. I wear the bracelet no problem, I guess it's less real than the genuineness you feel in someone's voice.

Besides for that, Drew Brees is amazing. I loooooved that Super Bowl, and I definitely enjoyed winning $125 on the football squares at work :)

Its supposed to snow far too much today, ughhh!

And I hate when people say they miss you when they don't. You've said that too many times.
  • Current Music
    Weezyana <3

make up smeared eyes,

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well...

I don't know if I can trust Randy on much of what he says, but I will give him this, love makes you do crazy things.
  • Current Music
    Decoy - Paramore

kiss the ones you love with reckless abandoment.

(Just for the record, I got the answer I've been needing! A couple days shy of 4 weeks late. <3 ahwww.)


Explain to me why I need to wake up at SEVEN AM to text messages starting off with "Jessica what the fuck!" Explain to me how in all of this I am the liar? I made up everything that happened between you and I? Please. If she really believes that, then she deserves you. I can't believe she'd ever have the balls to bring up how I'm 18 &just some kid as if my age makes me young &dumb. Really? You believe that nothing ever happened between him and I and that he is so damn in love with you. Every time he had a clever excuse as to why he was getting home so late, bullshit, he was with me, and when he was laying in MY bed with his hands on ME I'm gunna have to venture to guess he wasn't thinking about how incredibly in love with you he was. I couldn't believe it when I got a text saying "I never kissed you, you kissed me." BULLSHIT. You made all the first moves, we kissed I don't know a zillion times? So yeah, I'll agree that I did kiss you, but only half of those zillion times. The rest of the time, YOUR lips were finding MINE. Matter of fact in this whole thing I'm pretty sure I WAS THE ONE who cared about your wife's feelings. I was the one saying how it would hurt her, you didn't even care. You just complained about her.

Who's the naive one now? I applaud him if he's really making an effort to make things work with you, however he's basing it on lies if you really believe there was nothing between him and I. He's been living on lies for the past 3 months, and I honestly feel so sorry for you if you can't see that. I'm sick and tired of this kid denying everything and not just telling her exactly what went on. I promise you, if it comes to it, I WILL DO IT.

Anyways, I accidentally washed the bracelet Randy gave me for Christmas last night. I wonder if it's a sign that the heart fell off hahahhaa. Hmmm... Putting the heart back on the bracelet almost made me sick. I don't think that's a bracelet I'll be able to sport for quite some time.

But like I said, 4 weeks late. I can't believe it. Obviously there's gunna be some change of plans for these next months, but I'm so excited. My life is slowly but surely going to fall into place. Now I know I will always have a piece of you with me.

it hurts to want everythign and nothing at the same time, I want what's yours and I want what's mine. I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.

"Who wants to hire a preggo mamacitaaaaa" ? hahah

I'm just curious, did I make that note up too? ;)
  • Current Music
    Better Off Wrong - Randy

i can't stand your face anymore,

Recovery: Day 1.

"you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks even months over analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, should've, would've happened. or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

So looks as if I have to learn how to start over, again. Isn't it weird how one person can steal your heart and not even realize the kind of grasp they have on you? How could he not know the kind of impact he would make? I wonder if he realizes how close I am to fully being able to say I hate him. I never say I hate people, hates the strongest word to me. But I might. I might really hate him.

I can't believe I was so naive. He was a liar. You can tell me all you want that you were always honest with me. Bullshit. YOU told me LOVED ME first. Falling in love with you never crossed my mind until YOU made ME believe I'd be okay if I did. You were a liar. I knew that getting into it, and I still believed him. But I wasn't the only one there. He felt what I felt too. As a matter of fact, he started all of this. I guess a piece of me always knew there was the possibility of reality kicking his ass, and him leaving. But he was the one dishing out all of the promises about sticking around. Its almost like you should just know; the ones that promise you they'll stick around are the ones who leave. But I felt his hands holding my heart and I let my guard down. I promised myself I'd never trust anyone again after the hell of a summer I had last year. And then he came along, and flipped the script on me. To this day I don't think he knows what he did.

This man reaffirmed my faith in love and then he stole that from me all in the same. I have never felt like I deserved something. No one has ever treated me that way. And maybe I can chalk that up to my horrible ability in choosing guys, but he changed that for me. He made me feel special, when God knows I'm not as close to that as I'd like to let on. He made me happy, and dammit, I needed that after everything I've watched fall apart in my life. Not to sound like the queen of the pity party or anything, but it was almost as if life was like "woah jessica, you're getting far too happy here." And then just fucked me. Everything I asked for, everything I worked for, all the hell I went through was just thrown away.

I could never fault you for choosing a wife or a daughter over me, I told you I'd never do that, and I hold myself to that even still. But I do lay pieces of blame on you. Everything that happened between you and I. All the smiles, kisses, laughs, everything we had, and now the best you can give me is a "I'm trying to put this behind me." Thats all I've been reduced to? You couldn't even be a man for 5 minutes and look me in the eyes and tell me that you can't do this anymore? How could you tell me you were moving on before you even told me we were done? I believe you owe me one huge apology, but I doubt you will ever be enough of a man to own up to what you did and give one to me.

Its funny how easily someone can drop the "I love you", but the second things get hard, or life steps in the way, they just take it back. I guess I missed the time when "I love you" was just a commonality that people threw in just for the hell of it. I was always under the impression that it meant more than that.

I don't think I even know you anymore. The you I knew, and fell in love with would have never played his hand like this. Thats what I loved about you. You were a complete gentleman. And now you're just a liar and coward.
  • Current Music
    Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik

(no subject)

lay it on to me, every little fantasy,
i'm bored enough to take whatever when i'm lonely.
lay it on to me, degrade the true meaning of affection,
we will do it, and do it gracefully.

(no subject)

never fall for a dude thats always on the road. fricken sucks.

until you feel him crawl into bed with you unexpectedly <333333

and then he leaves the next morning :(

but still. :) <3